From a Hot Mess to a Beautiful one.

Hot mess was a term that was used in reference to my life more than once and more than once by myself, about myself. For years I felt that there would always be at least one area in my life that would be a mess or at least look like a mess from the outside (which equals stress in my world). And even if I managed to get all my ducks in a row for a moment, they quickly began to waddle off and make some sort of mess, a big ducking mess. 

While things are often still not where I'd like for them to be, the mess is no longer unmanageable, its expected. I can spot the messiness creeping in and do something to change that, things move slower and are more predictable, like now I have turtles in a row. I now know that by acknowledging the mess and the uncomfortable that I am slowly cleaning it up and that maybe one day it won't be a challenge to keep in order, it will be part of my routine, a healthy habit. 

My old habit of ignoring the mess, running from it, blaming someone or something for it, shoving it in the closet, under the bed, hiring someone to deal with it or stressing over what people will think about my messiness, is slowly being let go. By taking a good look at my mess and working to declutter and reorganize my daily life, I now see all of my mess as a beautiful work in progress. I now see this messiness as an opportunity for growth and change, which to me makes my mess beautiful. 

If you could hear my thoughts.

I have spoken about how much my life has changed this year. I have let go of lots of things that no longer serve me and started inviting in love from every person, place or thing that is willing to send it my way. Most recently I am in the process of letting go of my tendency to focus on what's "wrong". This stems from a drive for perfection, a drive for perfection that I didn't even know was a thing until three weeks ago. But over these past three weeks I have seen this perfectionism road-block pop up EVERYWHERE!! 

When I first learned that there was an underlying strive for perfection in my actions, I resisted the idea. I am the person that aims to simply get things done, usually at the last minute and usually with regrets on waiting til the last minute. It was in this resistance that I remembered my yoga teacher telling me that perfectionism can actually cause paralysis. It can cause resistance, often showing as procrastination. Why get started or even try if it's not going to compare to the others? If it can't live up to my silly (self-imposed) expectations? This perfection paralysis was something I totally recognized, again EVERYWHERE!!!!!

This hidden drive for things to be perfect often caused me to focus on the things that were wrong in a situation. For three days after this revelation, I began to see it. I was focusing on what was wrong, what could go wrong, what I had done wrong in the past and where there was potential for more things to go wrong. On that third day I had a complete emotional breakdown. I had been witnessing these thoughts and doing my best to flip my inner self-talk-script but after 72 hours of this I was exhausted. I was tired of noticing the flaws, I was tired of that feeling of overwhelm and anxiety it brought me when it was in focus. Very similarly to the feeling I had when I decided to quit drinking, I decide to let go of this way of thinking. 

This is not an easy task. I am still constantly reverting my thoughts to the love that exists in the present moment. I am telling myself "Jennifer, return to love", over and over and over again. I am repeating mantras of hope and trust, morning, noon and night. I am reading books, listening to podcasts, interacting on social media and listening to songs that support this healthy mindset. I am talking with those that are open to deep emotional conversations (when these unicorns appear) and I am writing my thoughts and using my voice to continue to reinforce the thoughts and feelings that I want to be my new normal.

Reprogramming our thoughts is a long battle but it can totally be done. I know this because at one point (and for many years) I thought there would never be a day in which I would choose to never drink again. Has this happened to you? This experience has allowed me to see that our thoughts are programmed by our past, our community, our leaders, our friends, and our experiences. And just as they have been programmed, they can be reprogrammed. First step will always be to check in with those thoughts as you cannot change what you do not notice.

I tell you all of this so that you understand that creating change takes effort, but if you start with your self talk and pump yourself up instead of adding to the mess that drags you down, this effort lessens and you are able to tackle the next thing standing in your way. Its like peeling an onion. You will shed one bad belief, thought or habit and move on to the next thing that is holding you back until you are the healthiest version of you. 

You are worth the effort and discomfort that this process will likely bring. The trade off has been well worth it for me. The time (days, months, maybe years) spent struggling to think healthy thoughts is way better than unknowingly living from a place of fear, constantly self sabotaging my greatness. I am awake to my nonsense and moving towards creating more freedom, and it feels so good. Come with me. 

Actions are based on beliefs. What is it that you believe?

What are your beliefs when it comes to your health and wellness (mind, body and soul)? One of my current "gurus" is Jen Sincero . In her latest book she talks about "mastering the mindset of wealth". While there are many, many amazing tidbits in You Are A Badass at Making Money, the way she explained what drives our actions has changed my life. No joking. Life changing. 

We often try to work harder and willpower our way through changing our actions but as I've discussed before, we only have limit efforts and willpower is not an infinite resource. It is for this reason that it's crucial to have other tools in the habit change tool box for those times when our willpower has been depleted. And if you're able to explore this tool (concept) with an open mind it might be one you use the most. Jen explains that our beliefs about a certain habit will directly affect our actions.

  1. Beliefs - We all have certain beliefs about things. Beliefs about money, our health, our bodies, what a relationship should look like, what a successful 35 year old female looks like, and so on. These beliefs are instilled throughout childhood and/or big moments in our lives. Difficult moments like being told we aren't cut out for something or when that relationship ended and we believed that we would never find someone better. Sometimes we let social media (and before that, Hollywood) trick us into believing that our bodies need to look a certain way in order to be truly happy. These beliefs run around in our minds controlling the show. 
  2. Thoughts and Words - Because of this mindset we tell ourselves things that reinforce those beliefs. If the belief was from childhood we may have been telling ourselves that we weren't good enough for a very long time. We then start to say things that further drive home this belief. For example, when we say things like "I can't do that cause I'm broke as a joke", or "Are you kidding me? I'm way too lazy to ever accomplish that" or "I will never look like her in a bathing suit", we are not only further drilling that FALSE belief into our minds, we are literally cutting off any hope of getting to a place where we are financially flush, running that race, and feeling like Ashley Graham in our bath suits. 
  3. Emotions - Imagine if someone followed you around and constantly told you those things? Eventually you would take the comments to heart and let them drag you down or you'd flick that person right in the forehead, three stooges style. Feelings of never being able to achieve something severely limits the actions you will or will not take. 
  4. Actions - Why bother working out if you'll never lose weight? Why change your spending habits if you're too broke to save any money? Why look for a different job or relationship if you're not worthy? Those emotions will kill your motivation and sabotage the efforts you do muster. 

Beliefs ----> Thoughts/Words ----> Emotions ----> Actions

You don't have to know anything other than what you believe about yourself can have serious affects on your success and happiness and you can absolutely change your beliefs. Simply start to peel the onion on the actions you are looking to change. Notice your words. Witness your emotions. Pay attention to your actions. Dig around to find what it is you believe. If you choose to no longer believe that then don't. Flip the script and find out what it is you truly want and believe in that! This may take some time and effort but once you believe you are worth it and you're thinking and speaking in positive manner, you will feel a sense of desire and confidence thatmakes taking action a much easy task. No willpower needed. 

The only question you need for change.

When life goes sour there are many questions that I start to rattle off in my head. Why did I go to that mental space again? How did I let this get out of hand again? When will this all make sense? Who the hell do I think I am? What the hell even happened?? These questions might start the reflection process but they don't work towards solving the root of the problem. 

I often discuss the issue of neglecting to work on the root of the problem. Most of us tend to focus on the symptoms of the problem, placing a temporary fix, like placing a bandaid over the nail that is stuck in our foot. In order to really relieve the pain, you have to remove the nail and allow for the healing to begin. Of course, pulling the rusting nail out will hurt like the dickens but once its out you can nurture your foot back to health. Using this bandaid method only sustains the pain. Numbing with pain relievers and continuing to cover it up, results in a nagging ache that won't ever go away. Sometimes this neglect will result in a very serious situation, forcing you to remove the nail but now there is all sorts of added pain such as infection, increasing the amount of time and level of expertise needed to heal this wound.  I now personally choose to go through the pain, knowing that it will be temporary, so that I can have health and happiness for the rest of my life. 

When I am reflecting back on a situation that has not gone in the way in which I hoped, the first question I ask myself is "What could I have done differently?". You know the definition of insanity right? Doing the same thing over and over, yet wondering why you keep getting the same results. By asking yourself this simple question you start to uncover the point at which you are straying from your path and with enough investigation you will start to uncover the reason you are straying in the first place, which is the root of the problem. 

For example, last week I continued to spend money on eating out, despite the fact that I had also spent a good bit of money on groceries. So instead of just beating myself up, I started to ask myself what I could have done differently so that this wasn't a reoccurring problem. Through this I concluded that I needed to have quick and easy meals that I can make from pantry staples, so that my excuse of being too tired to cook would no longer be an excuse. I also brought into focus that I hate having to do dishes before I even start cooking, so ensuring that I tidy my kitchen as I go will take this excuse off the table as well. By taking the time to come up with easy meals made from foods I always have and tidying my kitchen on the regular I have begun the process of removing the nail. 

Another, bigger example is why I quit drinking. I was tired of the physical and moral hangovers, I was tired of the pull it had from my health and wellness, and I was tired of the way it affected my relationships. Before I started to look at it this way, I simply managed the symptoms of this problem. I would only drink so much or on certain occasions and would make sure that I was safe when I did drink. I would try to drink different types of alcohol and did my best to hydrate and make sure to eat while consuming the booze. None of these changes actually changed anything because they were not the root of the problem. Because I neglected actually removing it for so long there was definitely a lot of infection that surrounded this problem but when I did finally remove the nail I allowed myself to start the healing process. I am still going through this healing phase and my wound is still sensitive but I know that I am on the right path as I have tackled the root of that problem. I can see how much I have already healed and I know that a full recovery is in sight.